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How to approach a friend in tough times when they want to talk about it?
When we care about someone, we want to always be there for them. Even so, sometimes it’s hard to know how to ask someone who’s suffering if he wants to talk about it.
We may even dare to ask: “how are you?”…
But we know that most of the time, we’ll get a vague response like “fine.” And that’s pretty much everything we get them to say… But they still seem distressed.
We also know that if we push further, it may get the person to shut deeper down. Not everyone vents or can speak their feelings; sometimes, they’re too shy.
Or perhaps, they have problems with sharing their emotions. They may see it as weakness or as if they are bothering others. Some people don’t want to think about what is causing them pain…
So… How to ask a friend in pain if they want to talk about it?
I wouldn’t say it’s an easy thing,
But if there’s a way to do it, it’s through empathy. Let’s see why.
Empathy vs. sympathy: getting a person in pain to talk to you
If we revise the definition for both words, they may seem the same.
According to the Merriam Webster definitions, we can find that:
Empathy is: “the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner” (Webster, n.d)
While
Sympathy is: “the feeling that you care about and are sorry about someone else’s trouble, grief, misfortune, etc.: a sympathetic feeling” (Webster, n.d)
As you can see, the difference may not be so evident regarding emotions. So, let’s expand the terms a bit.
When we are sympathetic to someone, we tend to share their feeling in ourselves. It’s like knowing what they feel and truly feeling sad about that person. But does it include considering the real needs of that person?
It often doesn’t. We want to let the person know that we’ve been through it and understand. But we also tend to make it about ourselves.
Or even more awkward! We try to make the person “shake it off” by telling them some others (like ourselves) have had it just like them, or worst. That will NOT get them to talk.
Just ask yourself, would you like to be struggling with something you feel and get someone else to tell you that you shouldn’t feel what you are experiencing?
I bet you don’t!
Do you see know why this isn’t the best way to get a friend in need to talk to you?
Empathy, on the contrary, demonstrates a higher sensibility. While it allows separating yourself from the pain itself, it drives you closer to your friend’s unique situation.
Empathy relates more to connection.
It recognizes the value of your friend’s feelings and that the pain they’re feeling is hurting them. Therefore, it becomes easier to consider what THAT person may need.
Naturally, having the resources or skills to practice empathy is not always easy.
Educating yourself may help manage these situations if you want to help your friend. Or if you are afraid they may be in danger if the circumstance doesn’t get solved.
On the other hand,
If you’re here, that’s what you’re doing, exactly. So, thank you for that!
And in return, I want you to provide some resources and help you on that noble quest of helping your friend to talk about their pain.
But, before we move on -and if you want a more graphic explanation- This video explains the differences between empathy and sympathy in a simple way: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw.
How to tell a friend in pain that they can talk to you: step by step
You must first understand that this is not an exact formula. This guide will give you hints on approaching your friends in an empathetic way.
But if you genuinely want to tell your friend in pain that they can talk to you, you MUST connect with them.
In that sense, the following are to be seen as entry tools to approach a shut person. And NEVER as infallible or as a substitute for professional help.
Once that said, let’s begin:
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